A Month Gone.

One month. On Sept. 21 it was a month. It feels like both an eternity and the blink of any eye at the same time. Time feels extremely weird to me right now. I almost feel like I am walking in a constant haze, or in someone else's life. I am doing all of my same things, being a mom, wife, shuttling the kids to all the things, cleaning and making all the lunches... but there is a pit in my stomach that doesn't go away. I go up to the cemetery at least once a week and sit by Adam's grave and journal or read my bible. It's actually been super therapeutic for me... but it really still doesn't feel real. I've reached a point where there is so much internal conflict about how I feel. Some days I am totally normal/fine, but then something happens, someone says something or I see something and it's like the huge wave taking me under water all over again. There are certain things I will never look at or thing of the same thing again. 

We walked in Adam's honor in the Out of the Darkness walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention last Sunday. It was amazing to see how much support our family had, but also devastating at the same time. 

We are so thankful for so many friends supporting our family and helping us raise awareness for a cause that’s so important.
It’s not getting easier. Not a moment goes by that I don’t think about him and miss him. We are forever changed and I will do everything in my power to make sure his story keeps being told.

We finally told Sawyer last weekend, he's really still too young to comprehend it... but he has said some of the sweetest things. He told us he really wished that Jesus had a house here for Uncle Adam. It just breaks my heart seeing my kids hurt.

I drove by the house we grew up in today. I don't know why other than it was on my way. The memories started flashing back through my mind again. Good memories, bad memories... just memories. Memories that I'll hold close forever because now they're just mine. I was asked for the first time last week if I had any siblings. It hit me that for the rest of my life this is my reality. I answered, "I have a brother, but he has passed away." Thankfully this person just said they were so sorry and didn't ask a lot more questions... but that's just it, that is my reality now. 

I don't like it. I don't want it to be my story or Adam's story. It's just not supposed to be this way but I cling to Gen. 50:20 - and I love the NKJV- "But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is THIS DAY, to save many people alive." Genesis 50:20

God knew this would be the story and the journey we'd walk long before I did and that it would bring me to THIS day... and that He means It all for good. I'll cling to that, because nothing else makes it any better. I miss Adam every moment of every day. I'm adapting to the new reality the best I can... but life will never be the same. 


This is a little different mash up with some closer up videos… and my reminder for you to take the videos & pics. 💜 ##fyp ##tiktok

♬ memories - Maroon 5


  1. On 9/2/19 I lost a dear friend when he ended his life and the out of the darkness walk was about this amount of time after. His team was enormous and we remember having the same feelings. Not nearly the same as a sibling but I do understand those moments when your breath catches, almost as if you’re remembering again for the first time. Lots of love your way.


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