May 24, 2019

The Hardest Thing About 4



Here is something funny... When I dated Bryan in Jr High we had high hopes and dreams for ourselves.... and one of those things was having four kids. The first would be Brooklyn and then Carter.... and we'd live on a mountain. (Which we then proceeded to have THREE boys, and Bryan has a nephew named Carter... and we've never lived on a mountain... also I am not sure Bryan ever knew these plans... but I totally wrote them in my diary.)

I digress...

So... we had Hudson, then we had Rhett... and almost stopped there. It took four years for us to feel like we could handle another kid. Then I had a miscarriage, and right after surprisingly got pregnant with Sawyer- ie 5 weeks pregnant on our All Inclusive Trip to the Bahamas.

Four kids was kind of out of the picture. I have horrible pregnancies and after the miscarriage my anxiety was high for a lot of my pregnancy with Sawyer... Bryan got the snip last July. No more babies for us.

Weirdly enough I had another what I think now must have been an early chemical pregnancy that we found out about 2 days after the snip-snip. I was terrified and under no circumstances knew how we could handle four kids. With so many weird maybe positive tests over a week or so, I ended up going for blood work that turned out to be negative.

I was okay, I hadn't let my mind REALLY go there... but it had KIND of went there... and what IF we did have another baby?

...And then the phone call came in October that a 3 month old baby girl needed a home. She's been our baby #4 for the last 7 months.

Which leads me to....

The hardest thing about having four kids... it's feeling like I can't be everywhere or do everything.

When Hudson was a baby I didn't take him ANYWHERE with me. And I laugh at myself now because I literally take our big bus of a double stroller with Sawyer and Remi with me EVERYwhere. I rarely am alone- until they both start MDO 2x a week this fall- holla, but that's another story for another day, Dr Appts, DMV, Dentist, School plays and school parties... they come along for the ride but it's true that with four kids I can't be everywhere at once.

Today Hudson and Rhett had their end of year parties. I had both babies, out during nap time, in the bus, of course, because containment is my FRIEND with a 10 mo old and 2 year old. I had to go back and forth between class rooms, with said bus. I just kept feeding Sawyer donuts. And the world didn't end. The babies did great, and the big boys were so happy I was there.  But I had to miss their Easter parties because the babies were sick, And I missed a few field trips this year. And the Mom Guilt hit hard...

I'm working through this with my counselor, and she's brilliant, but I often hear her voice in my head when I feel obligated (or bad about not being able) to do something, saying, "But what if you don't? What happens if you don't?'... and usually my answer is "nothing". I am the one putting pressure on myself.

Some have asked me if I feel like Hudson and Rhett get less attention now with the little two being so needy. And of course the answer is yes. BUT what Hudson and Rhett (and Sawyer eventually) ARE getting... is the experience of a lifetime. The boys will always know that we (our whole family) sacrificed a little to love A LOT- just like the Bible calls us to. If you asked them, neither of them would change a thing.

So while the hardest thing about 4 is trying to be everywhere for everyone at once, the BEST thing about 4 is all the love we share  and the close bond they have as siblings...

...And once again God has proven that even when I doubt myself and make my own plans, if it's His will, He won't let me get in the way. I am not going to stop His plan for me and for our family. And I am oh-so-thankful for that.

May 22, 2019

What We've Been Up to Lately...

It has been a bit since I've updated on what we've been up to...

The big boys started Kindergarten and Second grade at a local private Christian school in January. It has been a PERFECT fit for our family and we couldn't be happier. They have two days left until summer and I am amazed at how much they've learned. We've decided to hold Rhett back so he'll be repeating Kindergarten next year, and Hudson will be on to third grade!


They've both been playing baseball since March. It has been very interesting with two kids playing but they've both done so well and I am a proud mama! 

Hudson made the All-Stars team so he'll get to play several tournaments over the summer! Can't wait to watch him play some more!

Sawyer bug got tubes a month ago. He had been having recurrent ear infections and is behind in his speech. We've seen significant improvement already!

Bryan and I flew to Virginia in April and got permanent custody of sweet Remi.
She's an absolute doll. 10 months old now and we've got a great relationship with her birth parents. She is so loved by many! She's standing and trying to start walking- I AM NOT READY! ha!

Bryan got a new Jeep a few weeks ago after driving a Prius for the last few years. We all love it so much and can't wait to take family jeep rides once we get the third row installed! 


....And I started a new business venture of sorts....


I became a stylist for Color Street nails in January. I have always loved having my nails done but with four kids and two littles at home with me all the time, I just couldn't get my nails done anymore. Color Street is SO simple and gives me the same manicured look without the time or price tag! I'd love to share more with you about them if you're interested. You can check out Jenna's Nail Joy on facebook or my Color Street Website for more info!


That's a VERY brief rendition of what we've been up to. I have been missing blogging and am hoping to be back here more this summer! So I leave you with this adorable Easter pic of our 4 cuties!

Have a blessed Wednesday!!





May 21, 2019

Chedva

In January I claimed Joy as my word for 2019.

I was diagnosed with depression in February.

.... I started this blog post several months ago. But I didn't feel like I had the reason for writing it in my grasp yet, nothing beyond what I saw as extreme irony in those first two sentences.

The second half of 2018 was crazy but I was in the center of my walk with the Lord, I heard Him, I felt Him. I knew He was with my every step. The beginning of 2019 started a new journey... filled with primarily overwhelm and the idea that everything had to be perfect or I couldn't exist. I tried to micromanage every detail to the point where I was running myself rampant.

How can "Joy" be my word when I am battling anxiety and depression? How can I reach for something that feels completely unattainable?

I've been meeting with a counselor weekly since February. I started medication. I am feeling much better and feeling like the fog has lifted a ton. But I knew God wanted me to write on this topic, I just wasn't sure what the message was supposed to be.

Until last week.

Bryan reached out to a Hebrew tattoo designer to have a "Joy" tattoo designed for me. Bryan and I have been talking about getting tattoos since Janet died, he wants one to commemorate her, and I have always wanted on one my wrist but never knew what exactly I wanted that to be.

I didn't know that Bryan had reached out to anyone, and we hadn't talked about me getting a Hebrew tattoo. But when I read the email from the artist about the meanings of the Hebrew words for Joy, I knew this wasn't a chance encounter.

There are two words in Hebrew that translate to our English word for "Joy". I went to two years of Bible college and learned all about word studies so you better believe I geeked out and broke out the concordance and the google to study this deeper.

Simchah is the first word. It literally translates into the English word Joy- Happiness, giddiness... an emotional feeling.

That's the one that I've been struggling with. I often don't FEEL joyous. I've been "choosing joy"... choosing to be glass half full, see the silver lining... but that joy evades me.

The second word is Chedva.

I don't think there is an accurate word in the English language that conveys what Chedva means. This Hebrew word is only used twice in the Bible. Once in 1 Chronicles 16:27. The second time in Nehemiah. What? Please see the tag line for my blog. The verse I claimed after Janet died in 2013. 

"And do not be grieved for the Joy of the Lord is my Strength." Nehemiah 8:10

That's the Chedva Joy. This joy doesn't mean the giddy feeling of happiness. Chedva joy shows a direct connection to God. It doesn't require anything of me. It's nothing I can earn and it's not something I feel. Chedva joy is the ability to have a direct connection and fellowship with the Lord. In reading more about context and root word studies, this literally means an open door, a way in, this joy exists because HE made a way- through Jesus - to have fellowship with ME.

So if we digest this Nehemiah verse in our understanding of the English words... in Jenna's understanding at least...

"And do not be grieved, for the ability come into the presence of the Lord is my strength."

Perfectionist Type A Jenna. Enneagram 3 "Achiever" Jenna. She was grasping at a way to feel like she wasn't being overwhelmed by the world. She was trying to perform and achieve and doing it pretty miserably, While God was saying... Jenna, I don't want just Simchah for you. I want Chedva for and with you. I want fellowship with you and I have already provided the way.

YOU. DO. NOT. HAVE. TO. DO. ANYTHING.

So my prayer for you today is that you'll sit with that. You'll digest that. You'll find your true meaning and purpose in that ability to enter into that fellowship with the Lord. That's where He gathers us as His children and says something along the lines of-- You are loved, You are mine, You are perfect just the way I made you. This world needs you to point others to me.

Be blessed my friends.

(I took a lot of info from my Strong's concordance and this website if you want to read farther. I am not a Bible scholar but I felt like this is what God showed me and He wanted me to share with you, so please be kind if I got something slightly wrong. :))

February 4, 2019

God in the Details

Last October I made a trip across the country with my good friend, Jessica, to pick up a baby who needed a temporary home. I'll never forget that Tuesday morning phone call and I'll never forget hearing God say to go.

God has been unfolding that story ever since. It hasn't been easy, to say the least, there have been a lot of tears and a lot of unknowns. But I have never questioned God or his call for our family to provide a safe and loving home for a baby in need.

I'd walked through foster care with several friends of mine. I'd always told Bryan I didn't think my heart could handle it, my emotions couldn't handle it. So we'd never gone further into the conversation than that. Then this situation presented itself. It is a very specific situation, where this baby needed guardians while her mom (and dad) figured things out and got help. We had the space, we had the finances, we had the love... so we said yes.

And I was right, Jenna, alone... she doesn't have the heart or emotional capacity to handle the gravity and the unknowns of this situation. She is weak and tires easily.

But God does. And I've seen a transformation in myself that cannot be explained any other way. God has covered me in perfect peace. I see His words when I close my eyes. I hear His voice when I start to doubt.

After 3.5 months of not knowing what the next stage of this story would look like, having to send a sweet girl to live with our friends temporarily and relying on a judge in another state to make what he thought was the best decision for this baby girl... Bryan and I were granted guardianship of sweet Remi last week.

We started walking a road with Remi, and her mom Maegan, this last week that we don't know the ending to. We've transitioned from 3 kids to 4 kids back to 3 kids and now back to 4 kids. It's been a little chaotic, but the time she was back with our friends gave us time to get our affairs in order and get the boys registered in full time school. Our prayer all along has been that we would get Guardianship of Remi and be able to forecast the rest of the story from there. But guess what... we can't. So we move forward in this journey, completely dependent on God. He's known the details of this since before any of us were born and we are praying fervently for Maegan and her recovery and for Remi and her sweet future.

Maegan shared this picture and a sweet post on her facebook page about us after court last week, so I am sharing all of this with her permission. She is seeking the Lord's will in her life, and I know I have so many prayer warriors who follow my blog that we ask you to pray alongside us all.

God has been in the details, God is in the details. I am so glad He is big and has a bigger picture than I do. And I am so glad that Bryan and I get to step in and be a part of Remi and Maegan's story.

January 25, 2019

God Winks


My goal has been to blog once a week. I've been asking God to give me a word to speak on, something each week to share... and this week, boy did He.

I've been going to Tuesday morning bible study for the past 18 months. I love it, it's like a mom escape because I grab Starbucks or Sonic on the way there and I can drop whatever kids I have that day off in childcare and I have two hours of girl time with some of my favorite, and some of the most encouraging, people. The Bible study that we did last fall, along with the work God was doing in me, completely changed my life. We are doing the Bible study Authentic by James MacDonald right now and so far it has been really good. This week we talked all about how to actually study the Bible, and then watched this week's video which was about prayer.

I've been blessed to know and look up to several prayer warriors in my life. My great grandma Joy is always the first that comes to mind. My mom is another. My mom's close friend and basically my second mom, Ms. Janice, is another. They are all people who I know if I ask them to pray, they will without a doubt. But another one that sticks out to me (and that I couldn't get off my mind on Tuesday during study) is my Mother-in-Law, Janet. Any time Bryan and I were concerned about something, asking for advice... no matter how big or how small, she'd always ask, "Have you prayed about it?" I remember her saying that about what I considered to be the silliest things, like finding my car keys or needing to change an appointment. No, of course, I hadn't prayed about that. Her wisdom still is fresh on my mind like it was yesterday, God cares about us in the littlest things just like He does in the big things.

I left Bible study really missing Janet. If she was still alive she would have been there with me. She would have been up there that Tuesday morning chatting with all the ladies and showing off pictures of her 5 grand babies. I can hear her and her southern accent talking to everyone (because she knew EVERYONE) in my mind as I type... but God chose to take her 5 years ago, so she isn't there.

During study on Tuesday we had talked about concordances and sentimental bibles that were special to us and I couldn't wait to get home to get my concordance out of the attic, that and well, my Bible. Bryan gave me a new Bible on our wedding day with my new name on it and wrote on the inside cover. It is a precious treasure to me... but several years ago it got stuck in a desk drawer and ripped in half. I'd looked into getting it fixed but never took the steps to actually do it. I then went several years without picking up a bible... and this last 18 months I've been using a pocket bible that fits in my purse, it's been fine, but it isn't MY Bible. So I got home... hopped up in the attic and quickly found both my concordance and Bible. I went back down and set them on the kitchen counter. I opened up my Bible and I completely lost my breath.

Inside the cover of my Bible was a letter that Janet had written to "The Buettemeyer Grandkids".

I'm still not sure if I ever knew this letter existed. Part of me has a vague memory of her writing some things right before she went into hospice. I didn't remember this letter specifically though. Bryan doesn't remember it. But regardless, it somehow made its way into the front of my bible, a bible that I probably hadn't picked up more than a handful of times in the last 5 years, and definitely not at all in the last 3-4 years.

Janet used to tell us about God Winks. It's from a book that she'd read. Basically it's similar to the concept of a coincidence but more along the lines of a sign from God. This was a major God wink. I got to read her words, in her handwriting. I was so encouraged. The whole letter is basically talking about how she knows the kids will be sad not to have known her, but how she is happy in Heaven because she lived her whole entire life for this. Be still my heart. 

We haven't shown the boys yet. Hudson is definitely old enough to understand it. We will show them soon, but we wanted to keep the content of the letter private between them and G-Ma. And as I was sobbing and telling my mom that I'd found it, she made the amazing point that it was special that Janet didn't address it to just Hudson and Rhett. She didn't know anything about Sawyer, he wouldn't come for several more years... and whatever other Buettemeyer children there may be in the future... she addressed it to all of "The Buettemeyer Grandkids".

This was the second "God Wink" of my day on Tuesday. The first was winning the Bible study "raffle" door prize. In the 3 semesters I've gone, I haven't ever won, I am a pretty unlucky person by nature. But this Tuesday, I did, and it was a beautiful bouquet of Sunflowers, which are my favorite flower. I saw them as I dropped my name in the bucket and somehow I knew then they were meant to be mine... and they were.

Bryan and I are in a season of worldly chaos and complete turmoil. I have never felt more out of control of my future in my whole life than I do right now. My spirit, however, is resting easy because God has 100% gone before me, and I rest in that truth. We are dealing with legal proceedings, scary and unknown things, and definitely more difficult things than I thought I'd ever have to see in my life, let alone my early 30's. These things that I struggle to explain to my kids, things that can keep me lying awake in bed at night for hours... these are the big things, but God.

God has been showing me lately that in the little things, He is taking care of me. He gave me the sunflowers to brighten up my home and heart. He gave me Janet's letter so I could hear something special from her on a day I missed her so much. He's also showing me that He is working out the big things, I just can't see it yet or as easily as I did with the other things.

I've heard Him over and over again saying, "Jenna, trust me with the little things. Obey me in the little things. If you can give me the big things, give me the little things too."

That's the message on my heart today. I got to hear straight from Heaven this week. I'm turning over the littlest things, knowing that sometimes the little things are what add up to be the big things.

"Be Strong and Courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will not fail or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." -Deuteronomy 31: 6, 8





January 16, 2019

To This You Were Called.

When I was a teenager I felt a strong call from God to the mission field.

At that time it meant Mexico. I've been on roughly 10ish mission trips to Mexico. I used to dream of opening a clinic/pharmacy where American churches could rotate medical mission trips through. That dream isn't gone, it's still there in the back of my mind.

But here's the thing. 32 year old Jenna is in a different season than 17 year old Jenna was in. Not that I couldn't take that dream and run with it, I guess I could... but raising children and this season I am in now, it's, in a lot of ways, harder. 

My heart loves the people in Mexico, every ounce of my being longs to go and help them but I also realize that my mission field is a little narrower these days. I've got three little people and a husband to care for. 

I've known since becoming a mother that this is my current mission field. 
My town is my mission field. 
My friends are my mission field.

So in October when I got the phone call from one of my best friends that she needed help/advice/I don't really know what she intended with that phone call, come to think of it, but that is a snap shot in my mind I will never forget, I went.

I didn't for a second hesitate to drive to her house that morning and then God made this next mission field very clear to us. 

I hadn't hesitated for a second since that I was in the center of God's will for me. I remember talking to my mom on the phone one night, I was probably crying because I was tired and felt like I had nothing left to give, and she said, "Jenna, just because God calls you to something doesn't mean it'll be easy." I have clung to those words more times than I could count. 

Fast forward some weeks and a lot of headache and heartache. Mix in some confusion and a lot of unknowns. THEN add two holidays and deciding to put our big boys in school full time. My faith began to waiver. I had people who I love question me and what we were doing. I started to hesitate. And worry. The anxiety that God had healed me from crept back in.

I opened my Bible after being "too busy" and these words were there.

"To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps." 
1 Peter 2:21


Whoa, what? God could you be any clearer? To THIS you were called?

It was like God was saying, "Jenna, I've been right here all along. I've had these words for you, I gave you this mission. I do not waiver. I called you to THIS and I sent my son to be an example for you to follow."

...well okay then. Stop having your pity party. Are you hanging on a cross? No. Sleep deprived maybe, but no crosses are currently involved. 

We are studying Luke in our small group right now and our leader said on Sunday that Jesus could have stopped his crucifixion. He could have called the angels to come take him at any moment, but he didn't. I'd never REALLY thought about that. The moments in my life when I've been in the most excruciating pain, I would have done ANYTHING to make it stop. But Jesus persevered to save ME.

....so a little lack of sleep and a little more chaos, I can totally handle that.

My hope for you in reading this is that you'll see that if you're in a season of doubt, if you're unsure of God's plan. If you're scared, worried or just exhausted. God has called you to whatever your THIS is. He's gone before you and is right beside you.

"I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken." 
Psalm 16:8

We still don't know the ending of this current season. But I know who has called me. I may not be opening a clinic in Mexico right now, but I AM raising mighty warriors who I hope will love and follow Jesus hard all the days of their lives. 

To THIS you were called.






January 2, 2019

Choosing Joy.


What happens when you choose joy?


...well let's start with what happens when you don't.

2018 was a hard year for me. And actually it probably started more towards the end of 2017 and carried over. I had postpartum anxiety, got diagnosed with a painful inflammatory condition, got shingles, struggled to lose weight again, got some very hard personal news, my dad battled thyroid cancer... and that is just the beginning.

Then I ended up sitting up one whole night in the rocking chair with Sawyer when he was sick last Spring. I'm not sure if I pinched a nerve or what but I ended up with severe neck pain. I went to the chiropractor, I took prescription meds... then the tingling started. Neuropathy isn't something to play with. The whole left side of my head and face started either throbbing or tingling, feeling like it was going to sleep... then my mouth and neck. I was horrified what this could mean.

I carried all of those things- the emotional and physical things. They were like a weight on my back. All of the practical things I could do weren't working. The chiropractor helped briefly but the pain would come back. I was taking prescription pain medications to function. Bryan had to miss work and stay home with me so I could recoup.

I was grumpy. I wasn't joyful. I was mad at my circumstances and mad at God. I lost myself. I was carrying unforgiveness. I wasn't a fun mom or a happy wife. I was an anxious wreck, my kids couldn't leave my house without me almost going into a panic attack worrying about them. I wasn't enjoying the things I used to enjoy. I neglected the blog I love. I couldn't work out. I didn't care about eating healthy. I felt like crap.

In July we got some more heartbreaking news. It hit me very hard. I had a dream of what could be and that dream was shattered as quickly as it started. So I took a day to be sad. I took the boys to get happy meals and we went to the park. I let them play while I ate my McDonalds salad without a fork (thanks a lot for that McD's). I cried on the phone with Bryan for what seems like forever but I am sure was only a few minutes. I was upset because God didn't do something that I thought would redeem all of the bad... not just the recent bad but also the not so recent bad of losing Janet and everything that came with that.

Bryan's words to me that day changed my trajectory. God spoke through him because He knew he'd be the only one I'd listen to.

"Jen, if God never did one good thing for us ever again, it would be okay. He sent Jesus to die on the cross for us. If that's all He ever does, that's enough."

He was so right. I sucked it up. I stopped crying and let go of that shattered dream and decided to move on. I went to the doctor for my neck and got a steroid and lidocaine shot in the back of my head, and it started to relieve the pain. I overhauled my diet. I cut out gluten completely, something I'd dabbled with and "cheated" on several times in the last 15 years. Within two weeks my facial numbness was completely gone. I'm over 6 months completely gluten free now.

In September I started a new bible study. It wasn't really the bible study I wanted to do, but my best friend said it sounded good so I went along with it. I started reading my bible. I started trying to pray again. But Jenna didn't have words to pray. I didn't know what to ask for. I was numb literally and physically. So I just started writing scripture. I started in my prayer journal. And then I moved to note cards. I taped note cards with the scriptures I was writing all over my house. As I started reading and filling my mind with God's words, my attitude started to change. On the advice of my mom, I listened to a podcast by Lysa Terkurst that spoke volumes to me. I took away a huge key thing and wrote on my mirror (it's still written there today).

There is what Jenna sees... and what God is doing.

I've listened to that podcast 4 times now. As I continued to read my Bible, listen to uplifting podcasts and books and saturate my mind with GOOD and with GOD, I felt God telling me to let go and let Him step in and carry my burdens. So I did that. I gave it all up. It's been a process and didn't exactly happen overnight. My neck pain disappeared. My neuropathy was gone. The personal problems didn't feel so overwhelming. The anxiety was still there, but was better. I didn't know why, but I was looking at God's words everywhere I looked. The bible study I was doing was James McDonald's Think Differently. It dove into the story of Issac and Jacob. Everywhere I looked, and still look, I'm getting this story from different angles, to the point of when I start listening to something and it's about another aspect of the story I start laughing. "Got it, God, You really want me to understand this!"

...And then on October 23 while driving to bible study I got a phone call that changed my life. I can't share a lot about this story yet, there are a lot of unknowns and it has definitely not been easy. But on October 23, God healed me of my anxiety. God has showed me why I was memorizing HIS words. He knew I'd have dark and very sad days. He knew there would be a lot of unknowns. He knew I couldn't do it, but He could. He brought my joy back after months of searching for it. I was able to close my eyes in the midst of very hard things and see God's words that I'd written. Every time the unknowns crept in or I needed comfort- His words came visually to my mind- that's why I'd written those verses. That's why they were all over my home. He knew I'd need them in my mind when they weren't physically in front of me.

July Jenna... she could not have handled the situation I am in right now. October to now January Jenna... she's hanging in just fine. This new Jenna gets to love on a baby girl, part time right now. She's in the middle of legal craziness. Her family has been scrutinized with a home study which she was told would NO WAY be done by the end of the year (BUT GOD. God worked it out, and we got it finalized on Dec. 30 ;)). She's been misrepresented and been in a place where she's unable to clear that up. July Jenna wouldn't be able to get out of bed because of the physical pain and the severe anxiety she'd be under.

But not me, I'm changed, by the GRACE of God. I won't stop sharing about it. I wish I could share every detail and how God's hand has been on EVERY single detail over the last few months... and that that's included me sobbing on my bed and God preparing me for disappointment and me just rereading verse after verse in my prayer journal that I'd written since early September. I say that to tell you that just because He's healed me, He hasn't given me an easy journey to walk right now.

So what happens when you don't choose joy? When you think you've got a plan and it doesn't work out?

...nothing good. This is not a good place to be.

But when you do start to choose joy again and allow God into the dark spaces... the light shines again. I don't know how my story ends. Or how the crazy journey that started back on October 23 ends.

But I do know that God is good. He is faithful. He goes before me. He hasn't given me a spirit of fear. He withholds no good thing from those who do what is right. When I start to feel the anxiety creep in, I go back to those facts. His word holds true.

Stay tuned my friends.
 
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