January 12, 2012

Fear

*This is going to be a very open and honest post, proceed with caution*

Fear.
I am plagued by it. Daily.
Lately it has intensified because I am going back to work tomorrow and I have a very high stress job with a lot of unknowns. I am fearful about my patient load, if I can remember everything I am supposed to do, and perhaps the silliest thing of all-- if I can even log into the computer or get into the med room.
I have been spoiled by being at home with Hudson for the past 5 months and I am fearful that by not being with him 24/7 I am being a bad mom... that I am failing him... and this comes in the exact time that he is at his clingiest.

Anxiety.
I can never sleep on the nights before I go to work-- because I am plagued by fear.
I am uneasy and worried about Bryan and Hudson and about making sure I did everything I was supposed to do for the day to run smoothly.
I worry that the arrangements that I have made are going to fall through or that something is going to go wrong.
I worry that it might snow in a few weeks and school might get cancelled and then I won't have anyone to watch Hudson or any way to get to work.

As the week has droned on... I have felt these emotions getting stronger and stronger. I know that worrying is a sin and shows a lack of faith. I know that fear is not something that Christians need to live in. But simply knowing these things really doesn't make a difference.

This morning as I opened my bible to Mark chapter 4 I read the following red-lettered words "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?" --Mark 4:40

My answer: Yes, Lord. I am still afraid. I know that you are the creator of the Universe, that you called me BY NAME to be your child, that you have a plan for my life... but I am still trying to be in control and I am plagued by fear and worry and guilt.

His words to me "Do not be afraid any longer, only believe."--Mark 5:36b

I am writing this only to share something that I think a lot of people--specifically moms-- are struggling with. I am hoping that someone else reads this and is as encouraged by it as I was. There are so many unknowns in life. So many things that could happen or go wrong. But God already knows and has a plan for us.

God has refreshed me this morning by reminding me that HE holds my life... He holds my husband's life and my son's life... He has a plan for us. I don't need to worry or be afraid because he already knows. I just need to believe.

With that burden lifted, I am looking forward to going to work tomorrow with a fresh perspective. I am going to be praying for each patient that I come in contact with and I am going to show God's love and not be defined by the situations I am put in. I know that God has a purpose for me to be in the job that I am in, and I can't help but think it is to help win souls for His kingdom-- I wouldn't be very good at that if I was cowering in the corner in fear.

On Monday night in our small group bible study we were going over a study about prayer. We talked about people who pray with power-- that people who prayed with power have made dead men rise again. We talked about how no one in the bible prayed "Lord, if it is your will..." that they prayed as if it already was God's will. We talked about how we can influence God with our prayers. How amazing is it that the God of the universe cares what I think about something and wants to listen to my concerns... and that my prayers can change the events that are happening. I am not going to lie-- it kind of freaks me out-- in a good way.

My challenge in this new year to myself and to you is to be free of the bondage of fear and anxiety and to pray with the mind set that we can change the course of events with our prayers.

*If you don't know of the peace that Jesus can bring, I would love to talk to you about how he has (and continues to) changed my life. You can email me with questions at jmkbuett (at) gmail (dot) com*

6 comments:

  1. What a well-written and inspiring post! I can definetely relate. Thank you for the reminder that God is truly in control. Good luck on your first day day back to work! The nursing profession is lucky to have someone as genuine and dedicated as you. Hopefully we can work together someday!
    Jessica Anderson

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  2. Jenna,
    We share many similar thoughts. It's definitely a challenge for us to do the best job we can as new mothers and in our professions. At least we know we have God to turn to, and great family to support us.
    -Jessie Glover

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  3. 2 Timpthy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
    Everything is gonna be OK! Just take things one day at a time, don't worry about what tomorrow MIGHT bring. Your a great momma and Hudson is a lucky boy :)

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  4. Thank-You for this, Jenna! I needed this reminder so, so, so badly! I too am facing working again. Being a single Mom, nothing worries me more than being away from Baylor!! But this has helped reassure me that I don't need to let it debilitate my day to day :)

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  5. Wow...I just "stumbled" across your blog today. I too struggle with FEAR. Fear that my unborn child will be born with problems, or that the baby will not live until/through birth. Fears that my other 2 children could get cancer...FEAR. I too, know that fear is a sin, and frequently am reminded of the verse that God has not given us a spirit of fear...yet, I struggle daily. Thank you for your post! It was such an encouragement and brought tears to my eyes as I read. :)

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  6. I have enjoyed reading how about your family's amazing faith. I struggle with fear alot too. I know this post is old but I'm curious what Bible study you were doing. I'd love to check it out. Thanks!

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