September 4, 2012

A Mother's Heart

As I am sitting here at my computer, looking at the clock and seeing that it is 8:15 and my body is telling me GO TO BED and my mind is telling me to work on my school work... but my heart is saying to write. So I am writing.... honestly without knowing if this post will ever get posted or if I am just writing for my own sanity...

On Sunday, which also happened to be my 26th birthday, my son decided to turn into a rambunctious monster child. Now, on top of that, my husband had/has come down with bronchitis and I have been having horrible pain in my tailbone which my doctor says is "just the hormones"... but back to the monster child... I honestly do not know what has gotten into Hudson. Every other word is "NO!"... toys are getting thrown constantly... he runs from us when we are trying to get him to do something. I am honestly worried about him going to school tomorrow and being with my grandma on Thursday because I can barely handle him right now. I'll admit, I probably won't get mom of the year award because of how things have gone around our house the past few days. I have raised my voice a few too many times and lost my temper a time or two... we've been disciplining and I've been trying my hardest to follow through with threats... but my patience is about out the window.

The only thing I can think of is that my little baby turns 2 years old on Sunday... and obviously his internal clock has told him that it's time to act like a crazy lunatic and to disobey everything mommy and daddy say to him...

Which bring me to this... Bryan and I were cleaning up the kitchen after dinner while I am sure Hudson was either throwing every single toy the he owns out of his toy box or learning how to climb up in his window and stand behind the blinds (true story)... and we were talking about the day and how we were both sick/exhausted and honestly couldn't wait to put him to bed...

and Bryan said... "You know... no matter how crazy or disrespectful he is, nothing he could do would ever make me love him any less."

and I agreed.

He is our child, our flesh and blood. I carried his sweet body in mine for 9 months, labored with him for 26 hours and have stayed up many many nights soothing his cries. Nothing he could ever do would take away my love for him. I read on a cute saying that when you have a child you know what it feels like for your heart to live outside of your body, and that it so true....

So tonight I kept that in mind after daddy had to go in and spank him for climbing in the window for the 3rd time after we put him to bed and he came out crying for me... I rocked his sweet almost two year old body and kissed away his sweet tears and then I told him I was sorry. That mommy and daddy can say sorry too and that I loved him and tomorrow would be different.

It's just such a reminder of Christ's love for us. I fail SO many times. More times even today that I would like to admit... but He never gives up on us and his love never ever changes. I saw my sweet 12 week old baby on ultrasound today and it is just so amazing to me that God has given me the miracle to be a momma again. A joy that I am not sure I deserve all the time... and something that honestly terrifies me a little bit.

So for now... I am going to bed, exhausted, but remembering that kind of love that is unconditional. A love I don't deserve or have to work for. A love I strive to show my child every day....

And a love that tells me that tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start.

And as I peek at Hudson's monitor and see that he is curled up, fast asleep, I think to myself, I can totally handle two of them... HA!

4 comments:

  1. Great post! I know exactly how you are feeling and what you are going through, as Ethan started acting "2" a couple of months ago! He, too, though has increased his intensity just THIS week with the NO's!, screaming, and overall wild behavior! I carried him literally kicking and screaming out of MDO today because he wanted a sucker from brother's class treasure box and I said no. What is it with these September 2010 boys?! It's almost unreal how much they can exhaust and exasperate you, and all the while you keep loving them more than life itself. You sound like great parents and will be just fine with 2 kiddos! Probably a bit more tired....but have twice as much love in your heart and fun in your life!
    Happy early 2nd Birthday Hudson!

    Jessica

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  2. And they change so very fast. I remember the feelings you are having all too well. Love ou much. Aunt Jean

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  3. Jenna, I cried as I read this, as it bring back so many many memories of four little boys, of my losing my temper, and my patience and how sometimes I would just go to bed and cry and think I was such a bad mom. He may sense that something new is happening, with a new baby, and also with gma and gpa moving. Even something like that kids pick up on sometimes. Just remember he doesn't know why he is misbehaving either. He is still a baby. Just try patience, distractions, maybe some quiet times. Maybe he is just needing more attention or time with you and Bryan. You have all not been feeling good for awhile. Don't rule out that he is after your full attention, or that he could have an ear infection or something just not right. You and Bryan are such good parents, you will get it all figured out. I will be praying for you and for little Hudson. You know even the changes in his room/bed or seeing the new crib. Wish we were closer so we could help. Maybe some quiet time at home without going places for a few days might work wonders. The boys used to just like to stay at home. Don't know what is going on with him, but just some ideas.
    Love you much, Gma J

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  4. This was amazing. God loves us no matter what.

    BG

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