January 4, 2014

Grief

Grief is a tricky thing.

One second you're going along all fine and dandy and the next you're overwhelmed with grief and sorrow. You're fighting back tears in the middle of Wal-Mart.

Sometimes crazy things trigger it.
-Driving by Highlands Oncology Group, where just a short 7 weeks ago we got the news that Janet's cancer was terminal...
-Being asked how your Christmas was...
-Walking around Wal-Mart

The biggest thing that has been hard for me is Hudson. Almost every day Hudson is talking about it. At Wal-Mart yesterday he got extremely somber all of the sudden and put his head down in the cart. When I finally got him to look at me and tell me what was wrong, he said, with huge tears in his eyes, "I miss G-Ma".

 ...and all I can say back is "I know, baby, Momma misses her too."

It isn't fair that my 3-year-old lost his G-Ma. It isn't fair that my husband lost his mom.

Yesterday was Bryan and I's anniversary. I was remembering that last year we dropped Hudson off at Janet and Tony's on our way to eat. She took a picture of us, that I thought was hideous because I was 8 months pregnant and huge... oh what I wouldn't give to have another moment with her...

I knew when the services were over, our family left and life got back to the "new normal", the grief would come.

I haven't been sleeping... let me rephrase that, I've been waking up at 4 am and not able to go back to sleep. The first morning I fought it, the second morning I got up and spent time reading my bible.

The Lord brought me to Psalm 30. I had written in the margins "Feb 2012" the month Janet was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. I claimed that verse for our family then and I am claiming it again now.

"I will exalt you, Lord,
    for you lifted me out of the depths
    and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
    and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
    you spared me from going down to the pit.
Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
    praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,     
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said,
    “I will never be shaken.”
Lord, when you favored me,
    you made my royal mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
    I was dismayed.
To you, Lord, I called;
    to the Lord I cried for mercy:
“What is gained if I am silenced,
    if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
    Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
    Lord, be my help.”

11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
    you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
    Lord my God, I will praise you forever."

So while my human self says that this is not fair, I am still choosing joy. I don't want to be silent but my soul is aching too much to sing right now. And that is okay. I am choosing joy, but still feeling sorrow. I am choosing joy, but still grieving our loss.

I miss Janet. My heart breaks all over again each time I see the pictures of her with my boys hanging in both of their rooms. I long to be able to comfort Hudson, but there are no words or explanations that will make him feel any better.

I am leaning on the Lord. Today is hard and tomorrow will be hard, but His word says that He is faithful and will "cloth me with joy" and that "rejoicing comes in the morning".

I will be clinging to those truths. There are good times and hard times. Sometimes I can talk about it and be completely fine and other times it knocks the wind out of me. So if you're my real-life friend, bear with me please...

Please continue to pray for us over these next few weeks and months. 

"This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."



I love this picture of me and Janet.

11 comments:

  1. Thanks for your honest post. I'm continuing to pray for your family. I lost it yesterday seeing a picture and feeling memories, I cannot imagine how hard it is for your family. Choose joy, abide in grace, and continue her legacy. Love you sweet friend.

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    1. Thanks Jessie! Pictures are the hardest for me. Love you!!

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  2. Oh, Jenna, grief is just so, so hard and it will continue to be for a long time. But, HE will be with you each step and it will get easier as time goes by. I lost my Mom 5 years ago and she was 78 but we are just never, never ready to lose a loved one. May HE wrap you and Bryan in HIS everlasting arms and give you peace and comfort. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you Lea. We appreciate the prayers! I know we have a long road ahead but so glad to have The Lord and our great support system!

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  3. Grief is so so hard. Praying for all of you to have a "peace that surpasses all understanding."

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  4. I am so sorry, praying for you and your family.

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  5. Jenna - when my dad passed in 2007, I remember driving through Starbucks to get a coffee and when I pulled around to the window, there was a big jar of biscotti in view. As I waited for my coffee, I just sat and cried in the car - my daddy ate biscotti and coffee every morning - that jar was a trigger for my emotions. I would get so frustrated at the triggers. I remember asking, "when am I going to just be okay to see a jar of biscotti?" :) In time, the emotions calmed and the grief became something else...I think anger was next for me, then it changed to something else, and something else... BUT it finally became something actually sweet and beautiful! It was a while before I could see that biscotti jar without tearing up and still sometimes when I hear a certain song or when I look at my Mason and how he crosses his legs when he sits - I see my daddy - and I tear up a little, but it is a sweet. peaceful kind of missing that I feel...time...it is true what they say about it. Love you - praying for the family - for peace and honesty, love and faith, trust and patience, endurance and JOY! :) and sweet remembrance of one truly incredible woman!

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  6. thinking of and praying for you guys every single day! lots of love to all of you guys :)

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  7. Sweet Jenna, it's a moment by moment walk. I'm told the tears of sadness do turn into tears of sweet remembrance. Praying for each of you daily.

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