The Stages.

It's almost been six weeks. I'm not sure where in the grief process you're supposed to be at six weeks.

I'd say I am still in denial most days...

Now, obviously, I know that Janet is gone... but if I was being completely honest with you, I'd tell you that most days I try not to think about it. And the days that something brings it to my mind, I gently push it aside and keep moving.

But the times when I let my brain go there, when I let my heart feel the pain, it is still crippling.

I was watching a video on youtube today about a newborn baby that died. It was a very sweet video but I shouldn't have watched it. The tears started and they didn't stop for a good thirty minutes.

A mixture of emotions go through my mind all at the same time. And as I started typing I realized that I am going through anger now too.

I am just mad.
I am mad that my babies won't grow up with their G-Ma around.
I am mad that I have to avoid places in town to keep me from being sad.
I am mad that Hudson is having to go through grief, it isn't fair for a child, it isn't fair that I can't explain why this happened to him every day when he asks me.
I am mad that Rhett won't have any memory of her.
I am mad that Bryan has to live the rest of his life without his mom, he is only 28, too young to lose his mom.
I am mad that he doesn't have her to call anymore when he is sick and I am not being sympathetic.
I am mad that Jordan lost her best friend, I think I understand that better than anyone, my mom is my best friend and I hate it so much for Jordan, it isn't fair.
I am mad that I have to push buttons on a book for my babies to hear their G-Ma when other kids have their grandparents around to actually hold them and read to them.
I am mad that I have to act okay.

But on the flip side for everything I am mad about I have something to be grateful for.
My babies have three other amazing grandparents who all live in town and see them multiple times a week. They also have a set of great grandparents that they see weekly, a great grandma who comes and stays with us and gets to see so much of their lives and other great grandparents who visit and love on them.
I'm glad I live in a town that I know like the back of my hand so I can drive a different way to avoid the places that make me sad.
I am glad that this experience has allowed us to make Jesus so real to Hudson. When we don't have the answers for him, we turn to Jesus and talk so much about Heaven.
I am so glad that we have videos and pictures for Rhett to remember Janet by.
I am glad that Bryan was so close to his mom, that he had such a great 28 years with her.
I am glad that Bryan has an incredible (step) Dad, who he is close to.
And the same for Jordan. I am glad that Jordan has David.
I'm glad I have those books. I am glad to hear her voice. I love hearing her say she loves my boys.
I am grateful that those close to me know that I am not okay, that I am still very fragile. I am grateful that I have a super close family, on both sides, who support us so much.

So for the times that I get upset and mad I have to take a step back and look at all of the things I have to be grateful for. I understand the purpose of Janet's life and her battle with cancer. I know she touched so many people.

I know in my head that the Lord's purpose for her was so much more than I will ever know, but my heart is still in so much pain.

I'm not sorry for the emotional post. I am trying to clear my head. I want to be as real and honest with you all as I can. I want to look back on these days and see the progress that the Lord has made in us.

If you take anything from my blog, anything at all, please take this: don't take your family for granted, cherish every moment and every hug. Tell the people that you love that you love them all the time.

I miss Janet today, I wish I could call and talk to her, text her. I wish I could invite them over for dinner. I wish I could see her hold my boys one more time, that I could hug her and thank her again for raising my husband to be the incredible man that he is... but that wasn't God's plan... and she knows all of those things. I will continue to cling to Jesus, and His promise that Joy is coming.

I am choosing joy still. I am hurting and have tears streaming down my face, but I am choosing joy.

"Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." -John 16:20-22

Me and my MIL, Janet, Nov. 2013, Photo Credit: Katie Cole Photography