February 25, 2014

Two Months Later and Anger.

I know that Anger is a normal part of grief, I have talked about it before. The weird thing is that I have felt like I was past the Anger part, moving along in the stages, until yesterday.

It has been two months. TWO months. It feels like an eternity.

I took the boys to their Mother's Day Out program yesterday and the normal roads around the church were blocked off, so I had to drive through the parking lot of the church. After dropping them off, there was a hearse under the portico. There were people getting ready for a funeral. The last time I saw a hearse, coincidentally it was in the exact same spot, and it was for Janet's funeral. I was overwhelmed with nausea and mad that the roads were blocked off and I had to drive RIGHT by the portico and witness another funeral in the works. It is too soon. Way too soon.

Shortly after that, en route to Target to get my weekly deals, a commercial came on the radio for the Oncology Group that provided Janet's care. They were talking about how many cancers they have cured and that they are the premier "Cancer Research Facility" in NWA.

No. No you DIDN'T cure Janet's cancer. We went to appointments upon appointments, saw so many doctors, she did clinical trials and radiation, numerous chemo-therapies. She was poked and prodded, she did everything the doctors suggested until the end.

I was mad at them. It isn't fair for them to claim that they CURE cancers, that they gave us such false hope. I switched off the radio.

I know it isn't right for me to be mad at them. I know they do save so many lives and they did everything for Janet that they could do. It was the cancer. It IS the cancer to be mad at. But I guess "cancer" isn't tangible to be mad at in my brain.

I didn't cry. I was hurt.

I went home, worked out and felt better. Then I went to lunch with my Grandma and talked about it. She just lost my grandpa suddenly last year and she understands. It made me realize that my feelings are normal.

In Hudson's mind, Colorado is THE coolest place we have ever been. I had to explain to him again yesterday that G-Ma won't be back to go to Colorado with us again.

He said, "Well when we go to Heaven and see G-Ma again, then we can all go back to Colorado."

I said, "Baby, let Momma tell you something, Heaven, where G-Ma is with Jesus, is even BETTER than Colorado, there are streets of gold and God and Jesus are there. Once we go there, there is no where else we will want to be."

It was weird, because then I realized I was talking to myself too. Janet is in Heaven and wouldn't want to be back here, she told us that before she died.

So while I am dealing with my own grief and that of my husband and child, I am reminded that God's plan was perfect. It was supposed to be this way regardless of how much I like it. Things are going to come my way that will make me sad or angry, but I have to continually remind myself on my quest for choosing joy that there was good that came from this. That this was God's perfect plan.

These are my feelings for today, I am trying to be as real and open about this as possible. It feels better to write about it. I can't believe it has been two months, but that is two months of days that we have made it and been okay.

Thank you Jesus for your grace. Thank you for the promise of joy.

3 comments:

  1. Sorry for your loss. IF you're also angry at God, it's okay to tell Him. He already knows AND He can handle it. This conversation with God may help you as you journey through your and your family's grief.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I lost my dad suddenly in 2011 after a physical 2 weeks prior telling him he was healthy and doing great. I remember hitting the anger point and trying to come to terms with it... I didn't even know WHO I was angry at, I just felt so much rage. I was so angry at the fact I was angry, I was a complete mess. I too am grateful for a God who loves us and continues to give us Grace even when we are not feeling very lovable. I only know Janet through the blogging community and even though it sounds crazy, her testimony has inspired me, and continues even though she is now living in her eternal home. Praying for you and your family as you continue through this valley of grief.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong way to grief, we all cope in different ways and you have every right to feel the emotions you do. Sending many hugs.

    ReplyDelete

 
Blogging tips