April 29, 2014

Missing Janet

Explaining death to a three year old is extremely difficult. We say things like "She is in Heaven with Jesus" and "We will see her again someday". That is confusing to a little guy. Hudson has been saying "When G-Ma comes back..." and then continuing with something he wanted to tell her or show her and he was under the impression that she would be coming back one day. Possibly because when explaining Heaven we have said that we will go to Heaven one day too and then come back to Earth, which is confusing to me, let alone to a three year old.

Hudson and G-Ma, May 2012
The other day we were talking about her and he said "When G-Ma comes back..." and then probably something about Ironman and we told him that G-Ma wasn't coming back. He was very persistent that she WAS coming back. Finally, Bryan said "Buddy, look at Daddy, when people go to Heaven they do not come back." Hudson's little eyes welled up with tears and the three of us all lost it. It was like it finally clicked in his little head that she wasn't coming back.

She's not coming back. Which is weird to say because some days it feels like this is a dream and she was never here, and other days it feels like she was just here a few hours ago. It is so strange. I miss her. I miss her telling me on bad days with the boys what a good mom I am. She would be so thrilled that Bryan and I worked it out financially that I get to stay home with the boys. She knew that was my dream. I miss her asking us if we had prayed about things we were stressed about. I hate that she's not here on holidays. I hate that Hudson is in the very last of the clothes that she bought for him and I hate seeing the clothes on Rhett that Hudson wore when she kept him all the time when I worked. It stings so very badly. When Hudson tells me something that he wants to tell her, I have him say it out loud like she can hear us. Maybe she can hear us.

I've been bad about bottling up my emotions and being the strong one, but I am hurting too. It makes me sad when I see other people post about fun things that they get to do with their mother-in-laws, it hurts my heart when people complain about their in-laws or how overbearing their mother-in-laws are. She is gone and we don't get to have her back and I just want people to appreciate the family that they still have.

I am so blessed to have my parents close. They have been a huge support system for me and a good constant for the boys. We have to be careful when we tell Hudson that people are sick or in the hospital because he automatically thinks they're going to Heaven too.

I really hate cancer. I hate that it took Janet away from us. I hate it for Bryan and Jordan and Tony so much. I hate it for my boys who won't get to know her. It really isn't fair. I don't want to forget her. I want to keep her "alive" for my boys. It's been right at four months and while I am not crying as much, I'm still so sad and broken. I've had a hard time getting a grasp on my feelings and for some reason the words just came together in my mind today and I felt like I needed to share.

Please remember our family in your prayers, as yes, time has passed, but the loss is still very real to us.

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."-Psalm 34:18

This was right at two years ago, shortly after Janet's surgery

4 comments:

  1. Jenna, I hate that you are hurting not only for yourself but for your family as well. I will say a special prayer for your comfort and strength as you continue on this journey with grief. I have a four year old and I know some things are hard to explain to them but I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and Bryan.

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    1. Thanks Sara. It is so hard but the prayers of many and grace of God has sustained us.

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  2. I am reading this and it's breaking my heart. I am so sorry your family is experiencing this. I know exactly how you feel. May 18th will be 2 years since my mother passed away. At first it didn't feel real. Then I thought maybe she wasn't real. Maybe I never had a mom but then how did I get here and why do I feel so empty. Then I told myself she was just away on vacation and didn't have phone service, which is why she wasn't calling. One night on my way home from work the walls fell and I allowed myself to understand what happened. I too get angry when I see people with their mother. I still think back to the last time she and I went to Target together. Had I known that was the last time I would have stretched it out. It's a hard, long, painful process. Those that say it gets better are just wrong. How can anything "get better" when you've lost such a huge part of your life? I think we learn how to cope with the situation, but I don't believe it "gets better."
    Prayer has helped me through it. I think of those that don't have God and don't pray to Him often and don't have the hope that he gives us and it's so sad. I pray for strength for your family. I know exactly how yall are feeling.

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  3. cancer is the worst! I'll keep you guys in my prayers. I know it can't be easy at all.

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