Six Months Gone.

Janet,
I can't believe you've been gone for six whole months. Part of me feels like it was a whole different life time and the other part of me can still see you pulling up in my driveway in your little black Accord to come spend the day with us.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about how our day would be different if you were here. I miss you more than words can say, and I know that is only a fraction of how much Bryan (and Jordan and Tony) misses you.

Life has gone on, as we knew it would. It has been hard to keep moving when something shatters your world. Life doesn't feel normal anymore. We don't know when we will get back to normal or if we even ever will.

I saw both Julie and Theresa recently and it does me good to be with other people, especially your best friends, who are still grieving your loss as much as we are. It is hard for me every time we go to your house. We don't go there much anymore because we have most of our family meals here.

You would be so proud of how big Hudson is and how much he has grown up in the last six months. He has been so good for G-Pa since we lost you. And sweet Rhett is walking and talking up a storm, you wouldn't believe it.

I hope that you can see us and I hope you know how much we all miss you, but I also hope you know that we are making it. I am still dealing with my own pain of missing you while trying to be strong for everyone else. I still don't think that it is fair and no part of me understands why you had to leave us so soon... but I know, like you said in your final video, that you wouldn't want to come back.

More hard days are coming. Bryan and Jordan both have birthdays soon. We have had so many life changes and I wish you were here to celebrate life with us. We are going to Texas to see all of your family in August and while I know that will be so good, it will be hard not to miss you more.

People don't know what to say to us. I don't mind talking about you or how we are doing but I have really only opened up about it to my closest friends. It is hard not to get emotional and it is still hard to put how I feel into words. I love when people talk about you in normal conversation because then sometimes, for even just a minute, you don't feel so far away.

I miss you, Janet. I wish I could call you right now and you could tell me that everything was going to be okay. You would tell me how great of a mom I am on the hard days and laugh with me about the silly things that Bryan does with the boys. You would be so proud of me for losing weight and getting into shape and you would be proud to see how independent I have been with the boys. You babied me for so long by keeping them that I never had to take them places like the post office or the DMV but now I have done it and survived.

You're not physically here, but you're here. I see you in Rhett's bright blue eyes and every night I tell Hudson that I love him to the moon and back and it makes me think of you. And more than anything, I see you in Bryan. You raised him to be such an amazing man.

We love you. I can't believe it's been six months but we have survived. God is still so good, even when we are having such a rough time.

-Jenna