Four.

Oh my sweet boy...

These two crazies thought they were ready to be parents...

Momma cried the night she found out that you were coming. The night of that first positive pregnancy test (Jan 17, 2010)... They were happy tears, and also tears of inadequacy and terror. I had no idea what it meant to be a mom. I was so scared I wouldn't be good enough, I wouldn't do the right things, I wouldn't know how to take care of you.

Daddy and I got in the car and bought 7 more tests that night to confirm that you were already growing into an amazing little boy inside of my body.

That's the first night I've ever felt fear for someone else. I worried about things I had done or not done already in my short pregnancy. I now was making decisions for not only me- but you too.

I went to work the next day, shaking. I was terrified and excited at the same time. I felt awful. I got to leave early and Daddy and I went to buy two outfits and some flowers.

G-Ma Modeling the Diaper Bag she bought me for you

We went straight to G-Ma's office. We gave her the flowers and a card that said "Love, Baby B". She cried and cried and hugged us both, she was so happy that you were coming.

Then we went to Grammy and Pa's house and had wrapped each of the outfits for them. They were so excited. We went out to eat Outback that night to celebrate.

I spent 8 months (since you made your arrival early) preparing for you. Decorating your nursery, reading every book and buying you clothes. I dreamed of the person you would be and the mommy I would be and how great our lives were going to be with a baby (and most of it was dead wrong).

Then when my water broke and it was really time for you to come, I experienced joy like I never knew. I was so nervous to meet you. I couldn't wait to kiss you.

You made your arrival at 3:21 AM. The sweetest mis-shapen head full of brown hair and little scratched up face. You were the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen and you were mine. I will never forget your bright eyes that night. You met everyone who loves you most in the world that night. G-Ma and Doe, Grammy and Pa, GaGa and G-Pa... and Mommy and Daddy.

I had never ever felt love like I did that night.

As I reminisce on this very night, four years ago, and think of all the things that were to come in the next four years, I want to cling to those happy, happy memories-- to the sound of our family loving you and so thrilled to meet you, and then the sound of you sleeping in the little bassinet next to me after everyone had left. You were mine but little did I know that God already had such a bigger purpose for your life in your earliest years.

You came into our family at the perfect time. God knew we would need you to bring us so much joy on the hard days. You've experienced more loss in your first four years of life than I had before I was 27. There are days that I am so mad that my four year old knows what "cancer" is. There are days that I hate that we have to explain why we are sad and crying, and when you ask me if I am going to get cancer and leave you, I want to scream because you shouldn't have to worry about those things. I hate so much that G-Ma isn't here today with us. I remember vividly last year on your birthday that I took a mental "snap shot" of us while you were opening presents. I guess I subconsciously knew that would be the last night we would all be together. {I'm getting all of my crying out tonight so that we can celebrate and be happy tomorrow.}

You have been therapy to both your Pa and your G-Pa (your two favorite people in the world). You've brought them so much joy in the midst of such sorrow and heartache. And you've been that for me and Daddy too. There isn't a day on this earth where I will understand why G-Ma was taken from you when you were so little. You loved her so much and she loved you more than you'll ever know.

My dear sweet boy, You amaze me daily with your thoughtfulness and your ability to remember EVERYTHING. You are so specific and organized. You're a planner just like me. I love that you love to be with me. I love that you're an amazing big brother. I love how funny you are and how loving you are.

I still can't believe you're four. You should still be that little baby boy in the bassinet sleeping away next to me. I love watching you grow up and I love seeing the little boy you are becoming every single day.  I love how much you love your daddy, that you run out to wave to him when he leaves for work and you want to stay until you can't see his truck any more.

Hudson, you made me a mommy. Everything I have learned I have learned from trial and error on you. I am terrified every single day that I am going to mess up or not be good enough, but every day I look into your big brown eyes and know that I AM enough. I am exactly who God made to be YOUR mommy.

My life changed forever. Four years ago tonight. One of the best nights of my life. Sometimes after you're asleep at night I just go in your room and watch you sleep. I memorize what your face looks like because I know there will be a day when you won't be a little boy anymore, and I never want to forget these days.

So my sweet Hudson Charles, on the eve of your fourth birthday, I leave you with this...

Never, ever lose those big, bright eyes searching for answers and truth, never stop asking questions, and never stop being YOU, a person that God made specifically to bring so much joy into the world.

I love you to the moon and back, and the sun and back, and the stars and back.

Happy Birthday, Hudson

XOXO,

Mommy