December 28, 2015

"Who's her name, Momma?" Two years later.



Last night Rhett and I were in my room... Ok more like I was in my room, and Rhett, aka my shadow, was following me around. Anyways, Bryan recently put the family picture (seen above) that we had taken before Janet started chemo on his night stand. Rhett noticed it for the first time and pointed at Hudson, who was 18 months old, and said "Who's his name, Momma?" and I said it was Hudson. He giggled. He pointed to Aunt Doe, G-Pa, Mommy, Daddy... and he stopped at Janet and pointed...

"Who's her name, Momma?"

We have always known that Rhett wouldn't remember. He wasn't even a year old when Janet died. We have pictures of her around the house and he has a bear that he named his "G-Ma bear" that had a recording of G-Ma saying "Rhett, G-Ma loves you so much." But for the first time Rhett looked at a picture and knew that he didn't know her. My heart hurt and I said, "Baby, that's your G-Ma. Like your G-Ma bear" and he giggled and said "OH!".

I took him into his room and pulled out the book that she recorded for him and we read it several times so he could hear her voice. I love hearing her voice. It makes her seem close and real again.

...It's been two years. In a way it feels like it's been an eternity... and in another way sometimes the pain hurts like it was just yesterday. Our whole family has said several times in the past few weeks that it still seems like a bad dream that we are going to wake up from... but we aren't waking up. She's really gone and life is going on.

I'd say its gotten easier... but I don't know that that's the case. It's changed. Hudson's memories are fading, he remembers things that we have pictures of and stories that we tell him, but he's remembering less and less things of that time period on his own. He was only 3, that's normal... and honestly there are a lot of things that I wish I could outgrow and forget.

We have good days where we remember the great things and fun things and hilarious memories... and we have really sad days. Friends of ours recently lost loved ones instantly in a car wreck a few weeks ago, and it brought all of that pain of loss back to life, it is a horrible feeling that you don't want anyone to have to experience...

... but also in a way we've seen a little redemption. Now that we've made it two years and we've experienced the up's and down's, we can walk this with others. We know how it feels and we know there is NOTHING we can do to make it any better, but we still can walk alongside those we love who are hurting. Grief is weird. It comes in waves... 

Not a day goes by that we don't miss her and want her back with us. But I know she wouldn't choose to come back if she had the choice. She let us know that before she left. And we are still clinging to the promise that we will see her again in Heaven one day. 

...until then, we'll be sharing the memories, the stories, the recipes and the pictures with our boys so they never forget the amazing woman that their G-Ma was. Two years later and we are surviving... 

Happy Monday friends. If you're new to my blog and want to read more of Janet's story you can check out the blog that she wrote here.

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