March 31, 2016

The Most Honest and Open Post I've Ever Written.

Yesterday. I broke up with my scale.

...now let me start with this. I haven't weighed myself in several weeks, so it wasn't in a fit of rage, or anything like that. It was about the anxiety that it caused me every time I walked into the bathroom, which is like 900x a day if I am being honest.

It's been a rough two weeks in my world. I've debated sharing this and not sharing this but I always try to be open and honest and Bryan and I both feel like this is part of our story so why not share? And I process things by writing... so here we go.

...I had a miscarriage last week.

There, I said it. It's out in the open. I was only 5 weeks along. It was a life. It is a loss. We are sad, broken, crushed, but not destroyed. I've been a human pin cushion these last two weeks as I've gone back and forth to my (amazing) doctor (never alone thanks to Bryan and my bestie, Katy) that's 40 minutes from where we live 3 times in the last week for blood work to try to figure out what was going on but we got the final news yesterday, that I've known all along in my heart, that it was in fact a miscarriage.

When it happened I was out of town, without Bryan, and we hadn't told a soul that we were expecting. We had just barely found out ourselves. So instead of a joyous celebration when we told our family and close friends, it was a "we were pregnant, and now we aren't... so can you help us cope?" But I'm actually glad it was this way because our boys don't and won't know until they're way older, like adults, it's not a loss that they need to process right now.

So you're all filled in on where I've been. Why I haven't been blogging and why my world was recently tossed upside down. Until yesterday I had no idea if I would be able to run my half marathon or not, there was slight chance that the pregnancy might still be viable so I wasn't supposed to exercise. A week of no exercise, when exercise is my stress release and "drug" of choice. It was rough.

When I got the call yesterday, the call that it was in fact a miscarriage, and that I was cleared to run, I immediately called/texted our family and close friends and put on my running shoes and ran. Fast. And it felt good.

So yes, I'm doing ok. It sucks to think about the life that might have been, but that wasn't in God's plan for our family, and I am okay with that. I'm crushed, but I'm not defeated. I'm sharing in hopes that if you've been through this, you'll know you're not alone. I'm sharing it because I always want to be honest and open. I'm sharing this because it IS real life. God made this part of our story for a reason. I woke up yesterday with a fire ready to crush the world. I have to wait at least two more months until trying to get pregnant again so I am taking a BIG leap and doing something intense, and I am excited about it...

...and that brings me back to throwing away my scale. Let's be honest (because that's what this post is all about, right?)... I have eaten like crud the past 2 weeks. I am an emotional eater. I thought I was pregnant, my hormones have gone crazy... and I have been eating terribly and not working out (not by choice). And that scale, it stared at me, taunting me every time I walked by it.

That's not healthy. I know that. So I'm turning a new leaf, one that includes breaking up with my scale and moving on with life in a healthy manner.

I'm starting BeachBody's Ultimate Reset on Monday. It's a three week program that cleanses and resets your body without starving yourself, you eat real food the whole time. You have to cool it on working out, so I'll be doing some PiYo, but I am really hoping it bumps me from this plateau I've been in and help me FEEL better from the inside out. It's going to be intense but it goes right along with the nutrition certification training that I started yesterday. I'll share more about that next week.

...so there you have it. I broke up with my scale yesterday. Today is a fresh start and a new beginning and I am still choosing joy. Happy Thursday.


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