April 26, 2017

Listening When God Whispers.


My four year old was looking for me while I was working out. When he turned the corner and found me he ran at me full speed and gave me the biggest hug and kiss and said "I love you, mama! I wanna sit with you, mama."
I'd just gotten done with a series of planks and push ups and was {passed out-ish} on the floor, covered in sweat and ready to finish my workout, which normally I'd do with him sitting there watching. But for a brief second, God whispered in my ear- "Soak him in."
So I did. I held him and kissed him and told him how proud I was to be his mama. And I told him I wanted to take his picture so I'd remember him how he is today. Right in this moment. Sticky fingers and peanut butter face and all. 
I hear a lot that my weight loss and fitness journey is motivational and inspiring to others- and I'm so glad. But I never want to be so wrapped up in that or myself that I miss these moments to be an inspiration to my boys. Sometimes they get the tired and run down mama. Sometimes they get snapped at and pushed to the side. But today God showed me a glimpse of my relationship with Him through Rhett. 
It hadn't been ten minutes since he'd seen me. But he was looking and when he found me he was completely filled with joy and just wanted to be with me. And isn't that what God wants of us? Just to search for him and find Him and just BE with Him? Not to be pushed aside for our own prerogative? 
I don't know a lot. But what I do know is that this messy, sticky four year old boy loves me. And wants to be with me. And as I sit here in tears, I know that these days are but a blip on the radar. Push ups can wait til nap time. I've got some stories to read.
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I posted the above on my Facebook yesterday, but I wanted to post it here for my future memory and to expand upon it. I've been dealing with anxiety and worry and stress. I've always had it to some extent but I feel like it's gotten worse since having Sawyer. God has really been pressing on my heart to deal with it. So here I am, dealing with it. Ha! It has really stuck out to me that by me WORRYING and not giving my cares up to Him, I am basically telling God that I don't believe Him or trust in Him when the Bible says that He will take care of my every need. I am depending on Jenna to take care of things... and well... that's just not going well for my mental status. 

"But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!" (Matthew 6:30) 

So I've started listening to that whisper more. Paying attention when God is trying to tell me to STOP and live in THAT moment. I've stopped trying to be so "busy". I nap with the newborn and try to savor every moment with him, I stop my workout and read to Rhett when he wants my attention, I put my phone in the other room when I homeschool Hudson. We've recently gotten rid of iPads and the TV in our living room and since then we've spent every single (non-raining) evening outside playing and getting to know our neighbors. God's teaching me that by being INTENTIONAL, I'm not missing these moments with the boys, my husband, my friends and my neighbors, and by being intentional and IN THE MOMENT, I am not worrying about tomorrow. Am I perfect? NO WAY. Not even close. I still worry and try to fly on my own... but I am working on it, and God is molding me, I can feel it. 

It's just been on my heart, and something I have really struggled with lately and wanted to share. If you're there too, I hear you and feel you and I know the struggle.

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