February 19, 2014

A year ago today...

I'm not writing today about Rhett's birthday, that will come tomorrow, on his actual birthday... but let me share some of the details from his day of birth to start the post.

A year ago today I was induced for labor with Rhett because my blood pressure was sky high (you can read his whole birth story here). I was excited and I was scared. I couldn't wait to meet my baby boy, but since I was just barely 36 weeks pregnant I wasn't sure how well he would do when he was born. My parents were in Mexico on a vacation and had to hop a flight home and made it in plenty of time because I like to labor for days (ha...). My mom, Janet, Jordan and Bryan were with me when Rhett was born, just the same as Hudson. My dad was standing right outside the door, Tony had Hudson at home because it was the middle of the night. There is a recording on Janet's phone of the audio from when I had Rhett. While it is quite hard for me to listen to, it is precious to me.
I have this picture hanging in Rhett's room
Rhett's first pictures with G-Ma
Fast forward to September 9, 2013. Hudson's 3rd Birthday. We had such a fabulous day. We had a little party with his friends and then went to On the Border for dinner with our family. Then his grandparents came home with us to open presents.

I remember sitting on the floor in the living room with Bryan and Hudson as Hudson opened 900 presents. I remember soaking in the moment. Looking around the room and realizing how special this time was. Janet and Tony were on one couch, Jordan was here (I think David was working), my grandma was here, my parents, my brother and his girlfriend...

I remember thinking in my head that this could be the last birthday with Janet. I hoped not, but looking back, in my heart I knew. I have a visual memory and I took a visual snap shot of that moment. I remember not wanting everyone to leave, not wanting that time to be over, but I can still vividly see that night in my head.

As we approach tomorrow, Rhett's first birthday, it will be hard to ignore the empty place on the couch or at the table. We are just having a small family party, all of the same people will be here again, all of our family that we love so much, but Janet is gone.

I am trying to keep my head up and be strong for my family, but I am reminded so much of her involvement in both of my boys birth's and lives so far that the pain cuts deep. I have a picture hanging over Rhett's changing table of the first time both my mom and Janet held him in the delivery room. My heart aches knowing that he won't know her, I still hold on to hope that Hudson will have some memories of her.

Rhett's last picture with G-Ma
I am thrilled to be celebrating Rhett tomorrow, but it brings me to a new stage in my grief, where I realize even more that life still goes on. Today it is hard for me to find joy in our loss, but I am still clinging to the Lord and know that it is coming.

My mom gave me this for Valentine's Day. I love it and have it on my desk as a great reminder of my journey of choosing joy.
So this is my sad post, getting it all off of my chest, tomorrow's post will be filled with JOY in talking about my baby boy, his milestones and what he has brought into our lives. Thanks so much for joining me in this journey and for all of the support you've all given to our family.

3 comments:

  1. Oh, bless your sweet heart, this was so heart filled and so glad you shared your inter most thoughts with us. It is so theraputic and a part of the grieving process. Blessings abundant for a most special day tomorrow. Hugs!

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  2. Jenna - love this post. She is greatly missed. Thank you for sharing your thoughts by forming them into words to fill these blog posts. btw- I have that same sign about joy - given to me after the death of my dad.... :)

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  3. The last time I saw Janet was at Hudson's party. Janet and I talked about tennis and she told me about how she was so nervous when she played her first real match and how her team went on to win state. We talked about the tennis facility at the walmart fitness center and who all was coaching there. I think about Janet every single time I step into the tennis facility now. It was a fun conversation with her and I enjoy having a sweet memory of her several times a week!
    Love you friend!!

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